“My father’s toys”

When I found out why my aging father is now hard of hearing I had to bite back a bitter laugh.

Because this man sent himself further from living because he wanted to shoot a gun

For fun.

Because he wanted to prove he could

Prove his freedom

His masculinity

His right to bear arms that he only bears for fun

with the hopes of hurting something

Some day

A weapon of destruction that my father shot for fun helped send him closer to the grave

And gave him a hearing aide

I hope one day his guns will be worth all the pain they give me

From when I saw my first casual pistol with my mother when I was a girl going out to my first lemonade stand

Research says just seeing a gun can cause people to be more likely to engage in violence

And every time I see the guns that my parents display proudly,

I think about the violence

Because I can feel it in the room

I can hear a whisper of actions that can’t be undone

Paraded on their bed like show and tell

Where show is the violence they can do

And tell is the possibility to kill

My parents are proud of their potential to protect

I fear the potential actions that can’t be undone

And my father got a reminder of those small violences that have plagued my memories

Of living in a house with a whisper of violence in the closets

In the safe that kept the least safe things ready

He shot one of his toys

and the violence of just shooting it took his hearing

So I laugh

Bitterly

And I hope that this is the only thing his many toys accomplish

In the hands of an angry, insecure, entitled father who seems to be having less empathy for those who disagree with him more every day